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My wife gets the vast majority of my fucks and I get the vast majority of hers (bada bing.)  That’s what marriage is. After that, my dog Wellington gets a bunch of fucks (maybe more than some people think a dog should.) I spend more time with Wellington than any human so if you need help committing suicide, fuck with my dog and I will handle that for you.

Then, I’ve got a robust chunk of fucks for my family. (Mom, Dad, three sisters, in-laws, nephews.) I have one grandparent left and he’s in his 90s. I give a fuck for him but he probably thinks I paid too much for it.  I’ve got some extended family as well (Uncles, Aunts, Cousins etc.) Each of them get various amounts of fucks and there are one or two to whom I have given fucks that I wish I could get back.

I also have a portion of fucks set aside for my CLOSEST FRIENDS.  This is a very short list. Less than five people are on it. These are people with whom I am incredibly close: kindred spirits and shared minds of sorts.  These people know who they are.  There are certainly a few people who think they are in this group who are not.  Perhaps they assumed that because I am in their “special” group, they would somehow automatically be in mine. There’s no reason for them to be offended. That’s just what happens when one has so few fucks. Instead, those other individuals all split the first of my last two fucks.  This fuck is divided up according to many factors but I can tell you, there are people walking around who have exactly 1% of one of my fucks.

After that, I only have one fuck left.  I call it my “revolving fuck”. It is definitely my busiest fuck because it moves constantly to which ever acquaintance, colleague or client I happen to be dealing with at any given moment.  The intensity of this fuck is often directly proportional to the amount of compensation I will be receiving for it.  Yes that’s right… This is the fuck that is for sale and it is the only one I have that is.

So you see, I only have so many fucks and I don’t have any to spare.  I guess I could re-allocate some fucks in any of the above groups, but I would have to give a fuck to do that and as I’ve clearly stated, I have none left.  I believe that is known as a paradox- “a paradox of fucks.” So I guess there’s nothing left to do but say, “fuck it.”

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