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Posts tagged mister wise

 

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White Fuckery, Platonic Sugar Daddy’s, WOTD (it’s a doozy folks), Another Moment with Montageo and “Two Truths and a Lie” Plus: Movie Reviews as Fast Food Orders.

xo,

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The Great Toilet Seat Debate

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For years we men have heard the complaints from our female counterparts, “put the toilet seat down,” and we have met this demand with quiet acceptance without much question as to why.  While we still often forget to put the seat down and continue to draw the ire of our female family members, I for one have quietly wondered if the “seat down” position really is the most sensible position for a…

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'In dealing with her disobedient husband, Agnes finally had to resort to a 'choke tie'.For years we men have heard the complaints from our female counterparts, “put the toilet seat down,” and we have met this demand with quiet acceptance without much question as to why.  While we still often forget to put the seat down and continue to draw the ire of our female family members, I for one have quietly wondered if the “seat down” position really is the most sensible position for a toilet when not in use.

A toilet seat has three positions.  1.) Lid and seat down  2.) Seat and lid up  3.) Seat down, lid up (the position in question).  I believe a close examination of the pros and cons of each will show that in fact, the seat down and lid up position is actually the least desirable of the three.

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“I only have but so many fucks…”

My wife gets the vast majority of my fucks and I get the vast majority of hers (bada bing.)  That’s what marriage is. After that, my dog Wellington gets a bunch of fucks (maybe more than some people think a dog should.) I spend more time with Wellington than any human so if you need help committing suicide, fuck with my dog and I will handle that for you. Then, I’ve got a robust chunk of fucks…

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My wife gets the vast majority of my fucks and I get the vast majority of hers (bada bing.)  That’s what marriage is. After that, my dog Wellington gets a bunch of fucks (maybe more than some people think a dog should.) I spend more time with Wellington than any human so if you need help committing suicide, fuck with my dog and I will handle that for you.

Then, I’ve got a robust chunk of fucks for my family. (Mom, Dad, three sisters, in-laws, nephews.) I have one grandparent left and he’s in his 90s. I give a fuck for him but he probably thinks I paid too much for it.  I’ve got some extended family as well (Uncles, Aunts, Cousins etc.) Each of them get various amounts of fucks and there are one or two to whom I have given fucks that I wish I could get back.

I also have a portion of fucks set aside for my CLOSEST FRIENDS.  This is a very short list. Less than five people are on it. These are people with whom I am incredibly close: kindred spirits and shared minds of sorts.  These people know who they are.  There are certainly a few people who think they are in this group who are not.  Perhaps they assumed that because I am in their “special” group, they would somehow automatically be in mine. There’s no reason for them to be offended. That’s just what happens when one has so few fucks. Instead, those other individuals all split the first of my last two fucks.  This fuck is divided up according to many factors but I can tell you, there are people walking around who have exactly 1% of one of my fucks.

After that, I only have one fuck left.  I call it my “revolving fuck”. It is definitely my busiest fuck because it moves constantly to which ever acquaintance, colleague or client I happen to be dealing with at any given moment.  The intensity of this fuck is often directly proportional to the amount of compensation I will be receiving for it.  Yes that’s right… This is the fuck that is for sale and it is the only one I have that is.

So you see, I only have so many fucks and I don’t have any to spare.  I guess I could re-allocate some fucks in any of the above groups, but I would have to give a fuck to do that and as I’ve clearly stated, I have none left.  I believe that is known as a paradox- “a paradox of fucks.” So I guess there’s nothing left to do but say, “fuck it.”